Havarti has a journal I’ll never, ever read, and I think that’s awesome. We’ve been married long enough to know the things we need to talk about, the things we like talking about and the things that we prefer to talk to other people about (or not at all.) It’s also good to keep some things 100% private. I’m sure he has things he doesn’t talk to me about for similar reasons. I don’t tell Havarti things that I think would worry him unnecessarily or that I know he honestly has no interest in. I’m not talking about hiding or holding back important thoughts or feelings-it’s discernment. Įven though we’re very open and talk about most things, we don’t tell each other every single thing we’re thinking all the time. Maybe a friend can help provide a fresh perspective on a specific challenge you’re facing, but that can be discussed without publicly flogging your partner. Ranting about your spouse’s faults to your friends is never good for a marriage. We don’t complain about each other to other people. If we get irritated, we express it, talk it out and let it go. Perhaps this is just our personalities, but neither of us are grudge-holders.
If we aren’t sure what the other is thinking or feeling, we ask. Having open, clear communication removes a lot of angst. This took a little figuring out early in our marriage, as Havarti had known women who did just that. Since we say what we mean, we never need to wonder if the other is secretly harboring anger or upset. Say what you mean and try to say it with kindness. I’ve watched couples over the years play really bizarre mind games with one another and it looks absolutely exhausting. We don’t set up verbal traps for one another or freeze one another out. We don’t hold back when we need to say something and we’re careful to say exactly what we mean. Blame just builds rifts-it doesn’t solve problems. The cleanliness of the house, the behavior of the kids, the status of our finances-it’s easy to finger-point when certain aspects of life get frustrating (which they inevitably do.) But we’re partners, which means we work through these things together. Maybe that’s why we’re still happily hitched after 16 years? Maybe? It’s worth a shot. I’ve witnessed a lot of people’s relationships over the years and I’ve noticed some things that can cause or exacerbate problems in a marriage that Havarti and I just don’t do. Or more accurately, what it doesn’t look like. I don’t want to seem too self-righteous here, but since marriage can be tricky and marital woes are pretty common, I thought it might be helpful to share what a happy marriage looks like from the inside. As of yesterday, I’ve been married to my husband, Havarti (my sweetheart’s cheesy nickname.
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